No Mobile For You!

I pay my bills on time, pay my credit card bill in full each month, and generally try to keep my nose clean. I've never had to pay much attention to those guys on TV dressed up as pirates singing that catchy ditty about how I could check my credit score online - Trans Union, Equifax, and Experian's all got nothing on me. This means that in LA, I could buy a condo or a car, but in the UK, it means diddly. It means I can't even buy a cell phone. Oh, I'm sorry, a moh-byle. For reals.

We walked into Carphone Warehouse on Oxford Street, thinking we were going to be all badass and get a UK mobile when we got the smackdown from the great cell phone gods of England. We have a UK bank account, so we thought we were covered, but we were told that we basically have no credit history in the UK and were therefore ineligible to apply for a monthly plan with any of the major mobile carriers.

Waitasec, whaaaa??? I see little children running around in the streets in LA glued to their baby cell phones, and I've seriously seen a homeless person with a Bluetooth chatting away - and I can't get a mobile in the UK?!

So in the end, we ended up getting a mobile that cost 4 quid, and we're now on a pay as you go plan.  Apparently, we need to "top up" as we go, and we get a bunch of free texts and each call costs 20p. That is so not a Droid smartphone with 500 minutes each month in addition to the free texting, unlimited internet, and magic number calling. AND I have no idea what "topping up" actually entails. I've only heard this phrase used in conjunction with putting gas in your car - and I think the phrase is actually "topping off." This is Lame Ass.

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After our great mobile let down, we decided to head toward Buckingham Palace, since that's what any right minded person would do after not being able to buy the electronic gadget of their choice. After we fought through the crowds on Oxford Street, we were finally on the path toward the Palace and ended up walking into St. James' Park.

It's not an LA palm tree, but it'll do. Photo by Garry Knight.

St. James' Park is an absolutely beautiful space that was designed by John Nash, and you can find an enormous variety of trees and water fowl in the park.  We saw black swans, geese, and a bunch of others that we couldn't identify, and all of them were bold enough to eat right out of people's hands.

Not a good place to go if you've seen the movie "The Birds." Photo by David Iliff.

 The strangest sight of all was the giant pelicans standing in the middle of the footpath. There are a pair of them, which were presents from the Russians, and they are roughly the size of a seven year old boy. A small crowd had gathered around them, but they didn't mind much and went on scratching at their pelican dandruff.  A bunch of incredibly brilliant parents tried to push their children toward the pelicans so that they could take a picture, but the children very understandably declined to do so.

Um, would YOU get close to that beak? Yeah, didn't think so. Photo by Andy Roberts.

After encountering the pelicans that looked like they ate some radioactive fish or something, we finally came upon Buckingham Palace. It was a bit funny since there are these very ornate gates set in front of the palace, and the tourists were pushing up against it to get a better look at the palace.

I can't see the queen, can you? Crap, let's just look for Waldo.

It reminded me of the days of yore when the peasants would clamor to get a look at the queen in her palace. Not much has changed, has it? Even funnier is that you could now enter the palace and see the dining hall all laid out for a great banquet. Back in the day, the peasantry could enter the manor houses or palaces of the nobility and royalty to watch how their betters eat their dinner. You could probably also watch them take a piss, since they usually had a little pot in the corner of the room reserved for just that purpose. You can't put away a tankard of ale without having to run to the loo. I don't think they still have the corner pot, though. Given the choice, I'd rather watch Jersey Shore.

Celebrity Deathmatch - Who would you rather watch?

Snooki, of course. Photo courtesy of huffingtonpost.com.

King Henry VIII aka Fat Bastard